I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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