I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
