i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
