Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
