Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
