"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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