I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
