When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
