I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
