I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
