I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
