you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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