I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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