I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Randomize
