i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
