My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
