We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
