The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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