It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
