I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Come on in and take your pants off
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