Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
