My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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