3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
