I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
