where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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