so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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