phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
