OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
