"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
