ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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