I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
