U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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