the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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