I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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