I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
