Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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