If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
