i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
