you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
