I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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