Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
