He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
she peed on how many people?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
