Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
