the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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