He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize