At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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