Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
