I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
