Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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