Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
