my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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