Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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