so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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