happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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